Feeling hopeless ...

Who hasn't ever, unfortunately, had that horrible feeling of hopelessness in their life at one time or another? Okay, moment of truth. I have been haunted by this dreadded feeling on and off for many years now. Perhaps it is the fact that I am getting older, but each time this happens I swear that it gets worse?

Anyone who has struggled with depression and/or feelings of repeated failure in their life understands that it is never simply just one particular thing or event which triggers these strong emotions. It is a culmination of several different events actually. I have always tried to do my very best to subscribe to the thought process of "Whenever life hands you lemons, you make lemonade." Well my dear friends, it appears lately that I have lost the recipe for making that lemonade. In other words, lately it is a continuous effort to push myself to so much as even get up out of bed every morning. Not a fun feeling.

A major factor, but most certainly not the only one by any means, has been the fact that I am absolutely miserable at my job. Yes, in spite of the fact that I admitedly live in an extremely oppressed area of Berks County, I have been making every effort to get out of my current situation and get another job. And, because my hubby's job does not keep him working steady (he is on call weekly and is lucky if he gets to work three day a week), he has also been trying to seek better employment but to no avail. Much like many other people in this Country now-a-days, we are  indeed struggling financially.

Now, getting back to the subject at hand, the straw that broke the camel's back this time was the fact that I recently had a very important job interview over my lunch hour. Mind you, I have well over 15 years experience in performing the position in which I was interviewing for and I was most definitely qualified for the job. Without boring you all with a lot of details, I will just say that after my interview was over I was told that I would receive a phone call informing me either way as to whether I was chosen for the position or not. Big surprise, not only had I not gotten a call, but I found out through someone I know well who works for this employer that the position was filled by some young pretty thing and, even worse, someone who is not even from our Country (no offense, but that's Unions today for you I suppose). Turns out that all of my hard work and years of experience in an office that includes 18 years as a Notary Public (which was part of the perspective job description BTW) and I am apparently not good enough to fill a simple receptionist position for these people. It would have been slightly more than I am making now and I would not have had to pay for mine or my hubby's insurance. Too good to be true, right? Yup. I was also told by my interviewers that they were looking for someone who would be satisified with staying in the receptionist position for a long, long time. Umm, I work around young people all of the time and they are always looking to advance themselves. Do these people seriously believe that this young girl is going to wish to be chained to a chair answering phone calls 8 hours a day 5 days a week for long? I doubt it.

I realize that disappointment is a big part of life, but there are times when I just can't help but wonder to myself, "What did I do wrong this time? How did I screw things up?" I don't know. All I know is that life has been getting the best of me lately on every level and for some reason I am having a difficult time this time "getting over it." Although I suppose I eventally will since life does not seem to give us any real choice, right?

What makes things even worse yet is that I haven't gotten a raise in seven years! Therefore mind you, my salary goes down every single year as high insurance rates go up and so do the BS taxes! The mere thought of possibly losing our home is bad enough, but I can't bear the idea of ever losing our cats, my fur babies!! Truthfully speaking, they are the reason that I am able to push myself to keep going every day these days!

Well, if you are still reading this post my friends, I sincerely thank you for listening to my ranting. It is not something I usually do on my blogs, and I do apologize for it. But I simply felt the need to journal and, temporarily, take off one of my many "masks" I must wear.