We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Feeling hopeless ...


Who hasn't ever, unfortunately, had that horrible feeling of hopelessness in their life at one time or another? Okay, moment of truth. I have been haunted by this dreadded feeling on and off for many years now. Perhaps it is the fact that I am getting older, but each time this happens I swear that it gets worse?

Anyone who has struggled with depression and/or feelings of repeated failure in their life understands that it is never simply just one particular thing or event which triggers these strong emotions. It is a culmination of several different events actually. I have always tried to do my very best to subscribe to the thought process of "Whenever life hands you lemons, you make lemonade." Well my dear friends, it appears lately that I have lost the recipe for making that lemonade. In other words, lately it is a continuous effort to push myself to so much as even get up out of bed every morning. Not a fun feeling.

A major factor, but most certainly not the only one by any means, has been the fact that I am absolutely miserable at my job. Yes, in spite of the fact that I admitedly live in an extremely oppressed area of Berks County, I have been making every effort to get out of my current situation and get another job. And, because my hubby's job does not keep him working steady (he is on call weekly and is lucky if he gets to work three day a week), he has also been trying to seek better employment but to no avail. Much like many other people in this Country now-a-days, we are  indeed struggling financially.

Now, getting back to the subject at hand, the straw that broke the camel's back this time was the fact that I recently had a very important job interview over my lunch hour. Mind you, I have well over 15 years experience in performing the position in which I was interviewing for and I was most definitely qualified for the job. Without boring you all with a lot of details, I will just say that after my interview was over I was told that I would receive a phone call informing me either way as to whether I was chosen for the position or not. Big surprise, not only had I not gotten a call, but I found out through someone I know well who works for this employer that the position was filled by some young pretty thing and, even worse, someone who is not even from our Country (no offense, but that's Unions today for you I suppose). Turns out that all of my hard work and years of experience in an office that includes 18 years as a Notary Public (which was part of the perspective job description BTW) and I am apparently not good enough to fill a simple receptionist position for these people. It would have been slightly more than I am making now and I would not have had to pay for mine or my hubby's insurance. Too good to be true, right? Yup. I was also told by my interviewers that they were looking for someone who would be satisified with staying in the receptionist position for a long, long time. Umm, I work around young people all of the time and they are always looking to advance themselves. Do these people seriously believe that this young girl is going to wish to be chained to a chair answering phone calls 8 hours a day 5 days a week for long? I doubt it.

I realize that disappointment is a big part of life, but there are times when I just can't help but wonder to myself, "What did I do wrong this time? How did I screw things up?" I don't know. All I know is that life has been getting the best of me lately on every level and for some reason I am having a difficult time this time "getting over it." Although I suppose I eventally will since life does not seem to give us any real choice, right?

What makes things even worse yet is that I haven't gotten a raise in seven years! Therefore mind you, my salary goes down every single year as high insurance rates go up and so do the BS taxes! The mere thought of possibly losing our home is bad enough, but I can't bear the idea of ever losing our cats, my fur babies!! Truthfully speaking, they are the reason that I am able to push myself to keep going every day these days!

Well, if you are still reading this post my friends, I sincerely thank you for listening to my ranting. It is not something I usually do on my blogs, and I do apologize for it. But I simply felt the need to journal and, temporarily, take off one of my many "masks" I must wear.

15 comments:

  1. Kim, I wish there were words that I could say to ease this burden. You have succinctly written the facts of your situation, so you are aware of the things you can control, and the things you cannot. You and your hubby are trying your best to find better employment (as are the 1,000s of others in this terrible economy). I guess all you can do is keep filling out applications; how's that for helpful advice? I do wonder if you have considered talking to a doctor about your depression. There is nothing wrong in making sure all is well, health-wise. I wish I could say more useful stuff, but if it helps, know that I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers every day. I totally know what you mean about wearing masks. don't we all, as witches? Here's a big hug from me. And you will not lose your home or furbabies. I mean that!

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    1. Thanks, Robin! You are always such a really good friend! Actually, I have seen my doctor about the bouts of depression and for a short while he put me on Zoloft. It did absolutely nothing for me and so I took myself off of it. It was very expensive and a total waste of time (for me anyway).

      Many hugs,

      Kim

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  2. First ((hug)) I know I don't know, you but reading this I felt immediate kinship. I feel the same, I give in to hopelessness, and recently have had the same job hunt experience. I lost my job of 16 years two years ago, my house, my car, almost my marriage, and damn I know all too well how hard it is to bounce back. You will be in my prayers.

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    1. Rebecca, I am sorry that all of those terrible things had happened to you, my dear friend. Your friendship and support means so very much to me and please know that I am keeping you in my prayers as well.

      Hugs to you from me,

      Kim

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  3. RANTING IS A GOOD THING! I HAVE DONE IT ON MY BLOG!! I SO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. i WOULD FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU DO,AND PROBABLY MORE. IT SEEMS THAT EXPERIENCE DOES NOT ALWAYS COUNT. NO RAISE IN 7 YEARS? THAT IS JUST NOT RIGHT. AT LEAST A "COST OF LIVING RAISE" WOULD BE NICE!
    YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR FEARS. KNOW THAT MANY,INCLUDING MYSELF,FEAR LOOSING THEIR HOMES DUE TO THE ECONOMY. WE ALMOST DID. I KNOW THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS,THE GUT-GNAWING FEAR,THE OVERWHELMING SENSE OF "LIFE IS KICKING MY ASS AND WON'T STOP"!!
    YOU HAVE MANY FRIENDS HERE...YOU ARE CARED ABOUT!
    HOPEFULLY,JUST KNOWING PEOPLE CARE WILL MAKE YOUR DAY A BIT BETTER!!!
    HUGS!

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    1. Ann, Thank You for all of your words of encouragemet! It does help knowing that I am blessed with so many wonderful and caring friends! And, yes, it definately does help brighten my day knowing that I have a friend in you!

      Much love and many hugs back,

      Kim

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  4. Oh my dear Lady Caer...I want to cry for you..I honestly do relate to so much of what you are feeling...over a year ago my 21 y.o. daughter was brutally attacked and was stabbed over 17 times..thank God she survived but now suffers from PTSD...then I had surgery for ovarian/endometrious cancer...then I lost my dog Dolce...the love of my life..then my husband lost his job after 34 years.
    I was in a deep depression..woke up every morning afraid of what was going to happen bad..sick to my stomach..I couldn't even think straight and my bedroom was my only safe haven..covers over my head so I couldn't hear or see anything..I couldn't even deal with a small problem...I have been trying to go back to work also...I have an associates degree and have many years experience as a medical assistant...emergency room experience included and I can't even get an interview and yet they will hire young people...no experience..because they can hire two people for the price of me I guess...I even sent my resume to the area art store and nothing but when I went to the store a month earlier I noticed all new help...all young and didn't even know where the paint brushes were..we had to hire an attorney to try and stop foreclosure.
    I am honestly just getting to a better place..I couldn't live in the fear anymore..I just prayed to God one day and told him I'm done..I handed Him every problem and felt
    He could do what He wants because I just could'nt take it..I am not a very religious person but I am spiritual...my fears didn't miraculously disappear but slowly I felt less and less afraid..I still don't have a job...still in trouble with house (I have 2 dogs and four cats so I know how you worry about having to move too)..husband still fighting to get his job back..I started creating again and everytime I feel myself falling back I say a quick prayer to remind myself to stay away from the thoughts that scare me.
    I'm sorry I wrote so much but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
    1,001 blessings my friend...Deborah

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    1. Deborah, thank you so very very much for sharing your own personal story with me. It definately helps to be reminded that I am NOT alone (and I know that I am not). I am sooo sorry that you had to go through all of those terrible things! It just does not seem right, honestly.

      As you and a few other of my other dear friends have also said, "we" are never really alone as long as we all have good people in our lives to help emotionally support us and one another.

      Much love and many thanks for your kind and supportive words!

      Kim
      (Lady Caer)

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  5. I wish you loads of success with your changes!

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  6. Thank you, Diandra! It is just so difficult to survive in a world that wants to toss you aside simply because you can't "turn back the hands of time" and therefore you are considered useless!

    Blessings to you,

    Kim

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  7. Been there. Done that. I actually gave up an awful job for 2 part-time positions. The hours are crazy, but I'm so much happier, even with a little less money. Sending you good thoughts.

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  8. I know the feeling well of which you speak. I started taking generic Wellbutrin (sp?)earlier this year and it has helped a lot. It is much cheaper than Zoloft and has less side effects. If you continue to feel down - perhaps this is an option?

    Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I can really relate to everything you said. Hopefully, things will change for us both soon.

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  9. Oh, I had no idea ... I know how you feel as our little family has been going through this for over 6 years ... we struggle with the depression and I especially work with ridding my anxiety and fear ... it's sooo hard to do all of these positive things when we are burdened with such financial insecurities. Members of my family have jobs that are hideous and people are being treated more and more harshly, I mean it's a nightmare with no exaggeration ... something eventually will give ... it always does ... can't keep folks down and not expect a big change ... for the best, I have to believe and hope. One bit of insight that we have made is that we don't take any meds for depression ... we did that years ago and it was a disaster ... and we look to more natural ways to help us ... I have to ask my daughter since she is the researcher in our family and there is a fabulous site to help folks find natural remedies. Also, since we don't have healthcare we have been forced to look elsewhere for our ailments and it's been pretty ok and so much better and healthy for us. I guess the old adage is true is that we should look for the silver lining ... but boy oh boy, that could be so tough for us to do.

    Lastly, I send you all good and positive energy ... and I ask the Holy Mother Goddess to help you through this trying time. Remember always, you are never alone.


    Love and Light,
    Jan

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  10. Kim, you rant and rave all you need to! I for one am willing to listen even though there isn't much else that I can do. This world is getting harder and harder to live in but it is all that we have so we continue to do our best to survive.

    I am sending you (((BIG HUGS))) and positive thoughts. You are a sweet and thoughtful person and as stated in the "threefold" be positive and happy so that it will come back to you 3Xs over~~~

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  11. My precious friend, you rant and let things out! It is for the best! It's not good when you keep things in!!! Kim, I don't understand why things happen? But, please, with all your might, always try to put a smile on your face and say, everything is good, everything is right! I will be keeping you in my thoughts and lighting a candle for you! Do you have any citrine? If you do, put some in your back left corner of your home! For abundance ;o) Let me know, if you don't have any! Hang in there!!! You have friends, family and fur babies around you ;o) My brother, after 30 years in one job, lost it, for no reason! Lucky, right now, his wife still has a good job. My other brother, who is turning 51 soon, is living with my mom and I. I still believe things happen for a reason. We do have to make lemonade!! Big Hugs and lots of love!!! xoxoxox

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